Is any of this real, or merely a figment of our
imaginations? Is it possible for someone to move from one lover to the next without
any consolation? No matter what you feel for me, no matter what I feel for you,
this cannot and will not work until you acknowledge the existence and the
current remains of your still quite recent relationship. There is no point in neither
you nor I denying that it was and is still a big part of your life. Luckily for
me I can try and keep my jealousy and everything that comes with that hateful
and destructive emotion at bay for the present time. If this distance is good
for anything it is definitely good for ignorance and to not have to deal with
the aftermath of everything that comes with someone else’s past relationship. I
want to let myself go and give into all these overwhelming feelings of uncertainty
and excitement which I have never felt before…I want to give into you and the
incredibly magnetic draw I feel towards you. But the distance (though it may be forced) has allowed me to
keep you at “arm’s length” so to speak and has given me the chance to use my
head rather than just my heart, that may sound shallow and unromantic but if
this was ever to manifest and become something more, if I was ever to even
consider sacrificing or leaving any parts of my own world behind for you, I
need to be “smart” and take these
incredibly frustrating, painful moments without you as a way to try and be
strong for myself and let you have time and distance that you need to do the
things that you must do for yourself and who knows hopefully someday for me as
well.
When we are apart obviously our main form of communication
is over the telephone, internet and Facebook which allows me to see what you've
been up to, what’s going on in your
life, etc. All these things keep us connected and make us feel a little closer
to each other and that’s great to a certain extent, unfortunately on the odd
occasion like tonight for example these social media sites like to inform me of
such things I’d rather not know…things such as you liking your ex’s new profile
photo last Sunday night, that sounds like a fucking typical crazy girl thing to
say, but usually I don’t give two fucks or even take notice to that sort of
thing, but I guess in this case I do, It just opens up a million thoughts and
doubts in my head….not so much because I'm jealous, but because something so
superficial as a ‘like’ on a photo can mean so much more to you (and me I
guess) in this present situation..
I'm feeling any and all possible emotions right now, I’m not
used to some of them…I feel for you, that I cannot deny! But for me that is a
special and RARE thing, and for you it’s a more common and recent occurrence in
your life.
I refuse to be jealous! I refuse to compete! I refuse to
ignore the doubts as I believe they would not appear in my head like the rest of
my feelings if they meant nothing or where to be ignored…
No comments:
Post a Comment