too much to ask.

is it so hard to tell them what you really want?
is it so hard to make your words into actions?
is it so hard to just be truthful and honest with all of us?
We both know what we "want", but life keeps getting in the way!
I find it hard to trust you, you lie about the smallest things,
Almost every time I've found out you were lying i had a gut feeling previous to it.
I want to be the only one...
but i guess that's too much to ask.

take your mask off

"I should be annoyed.
I don't know why i get so angry.
You make me smile even when you say nothing.
Your a hypocrite that hides behind a screen.
I realised that it was a fake smile and fake laugh.
I hate people that linger.
I know your embarrassed of me around your friends.
I know i'll never forget you.
I've stopped noticing whether your around or not.
I love you."

i hate i hate i hate

I hate how angry i am right now, I hate that i have to feel this emotion, I hate how I'm caught up in this stupid situation that should have never happened in the first place, I hate that i have to hide how i feel, I hate that i have to keep my mouth shut...bite my tongue act like everything is alright. I hate that i have to hate you.

you don't know what you want.

dead and gone.

Been traveling on this road to long, just trying to find my way back home but the old me is dead and gone ....been traveling on this road so long.

why?

"I wont ever be able to love until i get over this.
Because i cant be myself around guys
always must be happy
always sweet
always surface
always fake

why?

You.
I never could show you my real face,
always wore this smile for you even when i was burning inside.
tears of rage.
rage of rage.
hold it all in. never let you see me hurt'

sleep deprived.

"i feel like a zombie slumbers beyond me"

In the shadows.

The Brightest lights will cast the darkest shadows.

Shadows in which truth lies concealed.

seperate lives.

"You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives
Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives"

*sigh*

I hate when i disappoint someone....i let them down. I don't mean to hurt people, I wish i could make everyone happy,but that is just silly nonsense if that was really possible it would most likely be a fake smile on there face. It is so hard to live up to everybody expectations of you especially when half the time you do not always know what you expect from yourself. I wasn't always like this, there was a time when my life was dull well not dull but more serene, less chaotic, things seemed less stressful, there was less pressure to fit in, there where less talk, my life belonged to me and no one else...i guess i was happier then, but at the same time i have grown up allot since then i have some good and bad memories i will always hold on to. People i have met that i will never forget and some that would be better forgotten iv have been tested and challenged in many endeavours failing alot at some but rising to the occasion to others and though i may have my doubts at times i shall always believe in "no regret, no sacrifice". I don't mean to come off as superficial or shallow...the truth is i am just

into deep.

grrr

hurry the fuck up. i hate pondering my thoughts not knowing whats going to happen...waiting for you is so tedious.

3.this this this.

"This is what i love and can't stop loving"

never kill me.

Remember...

Patience is a virtue..come on, stand your ground, you can do this don't give in. I am, I'm trying, i need to stop writing now, but it's the only way i won't give in to you and let my guard down again. Take a deep breath relax, your doing fine.

I wonder.

I always wonder...wonder what you are thinking about when I'm not with you, actually sometimes even when i am with you...hmm pretty sure you know what I'm thinking if it isn't already obvious enough.

iron heart

He sees me. He sees who am i. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.
When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold...
It just to bad that i don't let anyone in anymore, that i just brush affection from others away.

One after the other i accept none.

I wish i could let someone else in, give my heart to someone...

but unfortunatley i have no heart to give.

Delirium.

"Late night, waiting by the phone
Tonight waiting for an answer
Heartbeat drumming double time
I need one more chance to be near you

Still hanging on...for what?
Can`t operate...fired up
I won`t eat and i won't sleep for you yeah
No rest till i...get through
Coz i`m holding out...for you
Am i the only one who`s insane?

Hey! you`re playing with my delirium
And the longer i wait the harder i`m gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delirium
Coz i`m outa my head and outa my self control"

OH! the pain.

Whinge, WHINGE, Fucking Whinge!

I can see right through you.

misfit.

Definition of Misfit:

* One who is unable to adjust to one's environment or circumstances or is considered to be disturbingly different from others.
*a person not suited in behaviour or attitude to a particular social environment
* something that does not fit or fits badly

****

This is WHAT I DO, This is WHO I AM
why change now...

FUCK you!

Let It Go.

hehehe

I'm amused easily.

everything will be alright.

I pray for the best,

I pray for you...for us.

I pray for strength

I pray to find the light when we get lost in the dark.

If not that I pray that everything will be alright in the end.

Never Win.

good or bad it's all gonna add up in the end...you can never WIN!!

waiting.

FUCK this.

Change my mind.

...please.

"you know why"

"I tried to fight it
I tried so hard
and every day
I pray to god
that you and me were meant to be
but you had another
you had a lover

And now is gone
I don't know why
I feel like crying
just want to die
I can't look at you
and you know why

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start ..."

2 Faced Fuck.

Keep it up. I bet they don't know shit,

Who knows what you are ever really thinking, or what you actually mean

Who knows what you say to me, them and her pretty sure it's all different.

Pretty sure it's all shit.

GET FUCKED

Why did you have to go and ruin everything, why couldn't you just leave things as they were, why couldn't you just have left me alone. Now what the fuck am i meant to do, say or think.

No longer, I'm not getting stronger..no longer for me.

jealous

Jealousy kills you,
With every ache.
You keep your mouth shut,
Your smile is fake.

You say it's okay,
When really it's not.
It makes you sick,
But it's these thoughts you fought.

You feel the heat in your shoulders,
your hands start to shake,
You keep to yourself,
as you silently wait.

You deal with the pain,
with each word you write,
Thinking nice thoughts,
To help your mind fight.

Your stomach is turns,
You feel you should die,
But you breathe a breath in,
and you try not to cry.

It's really not bad,
this lie that you made,
To help you fight through,

As the feeling will fade.

....

Jealousy, it's in our nature...we cannot help it.

Speak Up.

I can't hear you properly.

Prettier When You Smile.

You always said i looked prettier when i "smiled" .

so i''ll try...for you

all so familiar

"My only love is for you,
We were never introduced...formally, that is. The first time I saw you “properly” was that night.
The night we first spoke . You comforted me and cradled me in your arms. I was with all my best friends, but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly. Some say we took those first steps too quickly. It wasn't love right away, but I was intrigued by you and your sense of warmth.
After nights similar to the first, I began to think of you a lot. If a weekend would pass without you in it, in me, it was incomplete. I yearned for your touch and the way you made my skin prickle. My lips tingle in the thought of you now. At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.
Innocent fun with no repercussions. That is when I learned to love you. I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction. You were spontaneous. I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone, something, just like you. At first, you brought out the best in me, showed me that when we were together, I meant something, and I will always thank you for that. There were times when I questioned your worth. nights you would engulf me, take everything of me, chew me up and spit me back out. You never threatened me, or hurt me. I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said. Maybe I was angry with you in the morning, but I always forgave you the next time we were together. Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek. Like you always had. As if nothing had happened. Somehow promising that tonight would be better. From that first night to now, our love affair has been consistent. I always want you and your smooth touch. And even after every time you put me down. You're always the one to pull me back up. I've shared so many memories with you, dark and messy nights, poetic and spiritual ones too. Every time I hear your name or know that you are near, my eyes widen. I bite my lip and smile. I get shaky and anticipate your arrival. Some people love you superficially. They are the ones who don't easily forgive. But you know that I will always love you. Some will try to tear us apart, saying that you don't love me back. That you can't. They've tried and lost.
Even if I don't directly receive love in return, the way you make me feel, and act, and cry, lets me know that you do love me. You are the only one who can hurt me as much as you have,
and know that I will always run back into your arms."

-Le Love Blog

Better off alone.

give up or give in.

Do you ever feel like you don't care anymore?...you'd don't care what happens to you good or bad, you don't care if you break someones heart or loose another friend, or how distant and disconnected you become to all the people around you. You feel like this not by choice but because you feel you have to have this attitude towards things, so you can surround yourself with this false sense of security that nothing really matters you should just put up with it, so you build your self a wall, a barrier around your heart so you can at least pretend that you are strong that nothing gets to you or effects you anymore. You spend all your time you have left trying to fix the past, or focus on the future, or rise above it all get your head screwed on straight again from that time that very long time where you were weak and fragile only to fail once more. All your hard work and positive thinking flushed down the drain. Sometimes i feel like this i feel like giving up maybe not give up but just...give in?.

don't keep me behind the fence

empty

I thought I'd be used to the cold by now.
It's been so long.
He probably feels the same way. That's why he is the way he is...
but I only feel empty

in your hands

It's all in your hands now... how this is gonna pan out, i appreciate the recent appearance of your feelings and the knowledge of what you are apparently really thinking, but hey as they say actions speak louder then words...true?

So i think I'm gonna walk away for now anyway. I guess this will be a test and a challenge for both of us, but the longer you take the further I'm gonna be walking. The fact that there needs to be a decision at all is quite off putting. I don't want to rush into anything just yet i have always been one for going with the flow but i need attest a little bit of something to get me to start flowing with this. You really do make me happy, you always have but you do know how much you can hurt me when you fuck around. Sooo hopefully I'll see you soon and hopefully it will be worth the wait. I guess it's in your hands now...

"disposed of"

This is the term i have now gathered you use often when referring to me. I don't know why i let you get to me or why i still have a small place in my heart reserved for you. I hate it though. Why after all the hurt and all the pain i have felt because of you and your remarks, and nasty opinions you have about me. I always looked up to you and respected you for how well you presented yourself, how well you kept it together, how much responsibility you showed for your life and how mature yet sweet you were. I may act and look like a big kid but deep down you are just as petty and "childish" with your silly games and how easily you are amused by how my life has turned out. I know i was not a perfect friend we both had our good and bad sides, i know i took you for granted sometimes but you are just as guilty as i am. You were in such a rush to act all "grown up" when i was still in the process of "growing up". The way we ended was never really that dramatic as you seem to make it out to be, it was really something that could have been easily resolved or if not it we could have at least been civil and kind and stayed out of each others lives and affairs politely and considerately but no, you wanted none of that, instead you decided to turn it into us having complete and utter hate for each other you wanted us to be enemies. You are always claiming that you have "disposed" of me to everyone around you, yet i feel as if you are still holding on, but not in the good kind of way. I know for a fact that you speak Ill of me to complete strangers, and consume allot of your spare time in laughing and amusing yourself with my misfortune, you pretend that you know everything about me and my life with another special someone when in reality you frankly don't know shit! Don't get me wrong i am not trying to flatter myself in anyway, i can be just as pathetic, but if it was up to me i would have no signs of hate towards you. YOU! know i tried my best to make this work out or at least end with the book closed for good. You may speak better then me, your life at the moment may be better off, you might be "happier" without me but you broke my heart, it still makes me sad to think that for someone i used to love and care for so much and someone who i thought i knew could carry on like this and be so nasty...i never intentionally meant to hurt you, i never meant to to be selfish, i just had never dealt with certain things at that stage of my life and i had no idea how to handle them but i honestly don't think i was that bad of a friend. I wish i didn't hate you, i wish you didn't hate me...i wish it all worked out differently. I miss being a kid with you, i miss our stupid accents and our random dress ups i miss the stupid nonsense filled nights...i don't miss you i miss the old you...i miss having my bestfriend.